The Human Comedy: Mr. Miami’s Winter Makeover
Comedy Fiction Stories
“Shaina!”
“Jenny! I was thinking about you the other day – so weird that you’re calling!”
“I know, right? It’s like the universe is telling us we needed to catch up.”
“It TOTALLY is. How are you?”
“I’m great! Steve is miserable, though.”
“Oh no! Why?”
“He hates the winter.”
“Floridians.”
“Honey, don’t even get me started! The other night I was like, ‘Bae, it’s going to be your first winter in New York. You need some cold weather clothes.’ He tells me don’t worry, he’s got it covered … which is what he always says before I discover that he has no idea what he’s doing.”
“Typical.”
“So I cross my arms and tell him to show me. He takes me to his closet and goes, ‘Here’s my jacket -‘”
“Let me guess: Tommy Bahama.”
“A North Face fleece! Like, that’s fine in September.”
“But not in January when the subway exit turns into the Wind Tunnel from Hell.”
“EXACTLY!”
“So what happened?”
“What do you think?”
“You. Took. Him. SHOPPING!”
“Yes! And I got a few things for myself, of course.”
“Totes, of course.”
“Remind me to show you the top I got at BeBe. You’ll want to borrow it.”
“And never give it back?”
“Pretty much. But you shoulda’ seen Steve – I made him buy so much gear. Hats, gloves, sweaters, vests, thermals – he looked so funny trying on long johns – scarves, a nice slouch hoodie so he can officially be a hipster. And a real warm jacket and a big black trench coat.”
“I bet he looks dapper.”
“He DOES. I mean, I wouldn’t let him leave the house otherwise.”
“I know! You two are so cute.”
“Aren’t we though? Anyway, that’s not even the best part. You know those two days last week when it got really cold -”
“YES! I was like, ‘W.T.F.? It’s still fall!”
“I KNOW! And poor Stevie – he woke up shivering like a chihuahua in a freezer. We were supposed to meet people for brunch in Murray Hill -”
“Murray Frickin’ Hill.”
“You’re telling me! So we go into battle mode. I force him into the long Johns, eight layers of thermals, a vest, a sweater, a hoodie, a beanie, a scarf, gloves and his big new jacket. And you know, he was puffy like the Marshmallow Man but he still looked cute.”
“Of course he did!”
“You’re such a sweetie, Shain!”
“Stop it!”
“I mean it – you’re always so nice!”
“You are!”
“Ok, we both are.”
“So what happened?”
“We went outside, and you remember how it was – super windy, super cold, like, negative 800 degrees.”
“I couldn’t feel my boobs!”
“I never can. Way to rub it in.”
“Oh, Honey, I didn’t mean it like that!”
“I’m kidding. And yeah – it was that cold. But Stevie walked out the door like a champ, and we started our seven-block march to the subway. He’s like, ‘Babe, this isn’t that bad. I don’t know what all the fuss is about!’ Mind you, he’s wrapped like an armadillo from head to toe.”
“That’s so Steve to be cocky like that.”
“That’s my Schnookums. Of course, he had no idea what was coming.”
“Floridians.”
“We’re walking, and he’s happy as a kid on a snow day. I can see it in his face – he thinks this winter thing is no big deal. And I just smile to myself as we walk into the subway. We get down there, and the train comes, and we get in, and the doors close around us and the thousand other people in their jackets and beanies and scarves and long Johns.”
“The worst!”
“It was epic, though. I’m looking at Stevie, and his smug look turns to utter horror as he realizes it’s three years before we get back outside. He leans over and whispers to me, ‘Babe, you have to help me. It’s so damn hot!'”
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Check out more of Sam Rosenthal’s work at samrose101.com
Photograph by Robert S. Donovan
