A Day Trip into the Brain

“Alright, is everyone on board? No? Oh, well then, ma’am, your son will still be there when we return (hopefully). No, we can’t wait, we have to leave now. There is a small window in which we’ll be able to enter before Jacob shuts down for the day – he doesn’t open his mind like this every day, ya know. That was a joke ma’am, calm down.

“Ok, now is everyone on board? Ok, great. Driver, let’s get a move on; we have a lot to see and very few words to do it in.

“Just a friendly reminder: please do not interact directly with any of the power plant’s equipment, feed the animals, or throw things into the Abyss. Please, refrain from frowning, seeming to be on task and do not wiz on the electric fence. Jacob will tell you it won’t hurt – do not listen to him, he is very convincing. Violation of these rules may result in a disturbance in the brain of E. Jacob Tanner.”

“Wait, I got a question. What does the electric fence protect?”

“Nothing.”

“Wait…what? Fences go around things don’t they?”

“Not this one, it just goes around in a circle – no bigger than an obese 12-year-old.”

“Oh…why?”

“We don’t ask why these sorts of things exist in Jacob’s brain. The last guy who did, his head imploded after he was told the answer. One of the power plant workers eventually brought him a new head, but it’s just better not to ask why.”

“We will start our adventure in the left hemisphere where we find the plant that powers this brain. If you look to your left as the bus pulls around to the side of the building you will see the primary source of energy for Jacob’s thoughts.”

“Wait, that’s just a hamster running on a wheel –”

“Not just any hamster, this is Beebo, he’s Syrian. He weighs about 50 tons”

“Oh. That’s a big hamster.”

“Now that we have entered the power plant, we will enter the main office to meet the people who coordinate all the functions in this brain and Jacob’s body overall. Be careful when entering, we’re coming at a time when the shit really hits the fan.”

“Um, why does it smell like fecal matter?”

“I told you, the shit really hits the fan this time of day. Everyone duck as we enter, now…And welcome to the main office. It’s because of these tirelessly working individuals Jacob is able to function properly.”

“These are just monkeys throwing their crap at – my face. Please tell me there isn’t a turd hanging from my beard…”

“Oh, look over there to your right. This truly is a treat; the plant’s chief executive is coming from his office. Jacob doesn’t do anything before it goes through this guy first. Hey Chief, would you allow us to come in and see what kind of work you’re up to? No, we can’t, you say. You’re really busy and can’t afford distractions, huh? I see we’ll just move on. See ya ‘round, Chief. Ok, everyone, let’s move on to the right brain.

“Hey, you over there don’t look into the chief’s office, that’s rude. He’s really swamped right now; you heard him.”

“Looks like he’s facebook stalking someone, to me.”

“Of course he is, Jacob couldn’t function without facebooking when there’s real work to be done. Take a look at the office now, even these office macaques swapped feces for facebook. Without further delay, let’s get back to the bus.”

“As we approach the entrance of the right brain, be forewarned, you will see everything you’ve never wanted to and nothing you’ve always thought was there. Right now, we’re entering the area where Jacob’s ideas originate.

“As you may notice upon peering to your right, there is a large battle field with slain bodies being trampled by hundreds of warriors fighting for supremacy. Jacob’s ideas, before they actually make their way out of his head and into reality appear as clones of himself in this arena. Once on the combat knoll, each idea must fight to the death with every other idea. When one is left standing, he is taken by the power plant chief and becomes produced, in some way, in Jacob’s material world. The whole ordeal is really quite captivating.

“Moving on, to your left you’ll see Jacob’s fashion sense at work. On that runway, you will see Jacob sashaying towards us endlessly – the runway doubles as a conveyor belt making it some fusion between a catwalk and a treadmill. As this brain thinks of new outfits to don for the day, the prospective clothing articles appear, disappear and rearrange on the body on the runway model without the model missing a single step. Ok, and we’re pressing on.”

“The last stop on our journey through Jacob’s brain is the Abyss. This area in the back of the cranial cage is possibly the most unnaturally peculiar part of this brain. No, it’s not bottomless, it’s just really deep. At the farthest depths of it lies pieces of the host’s reality he isn’t ready to deal with. Quick, if you look you can see Jacob throwing in a heart and pictures of his ex-girlfriend. Yikes, and there go some affectionate memories of his dear friend who died recently.”

“Excuse me, but if it’s not bottomless, what happens when he fills up this abyss?”

“He just throws it into another abyss.”

“That doesn’t sound too healthy.”

“Yeah, he knows, and at times it clouds his vision. So much so he can’t see that he’s not the only one struggling to keep control of their reality. Oh dang, we better call the chief, because there he goes again, slipping into his own abyss.”

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