The Human Comedy: A Visit from St. Nicholas (to North Korea), or: “The Interview Before Christmas”

by Samuel J. Rosenthal · 25 December 2014

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Short Satirical Stories

(Based on “A Visit from St. Nicholas” by Clement Clarke Moore)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Pyongyang
Not a civil liberty stirred; this was the wrong gang!
The dissenters were hung in the big public square,
In hopes that democracy would never come there.
The children were racked with fear on their cots,
While visions of repression tatered their tots.
And Mrs. Sol-ju, and I, Sir Jong-Un,
Had sponsored some old-fashioned hackery fun.
When outside the palace, there arose such a ruckus,
We assumed the CIA had stormed in to (censored).
Away from the window I crawled to my Uzi,
Locked in the clip, set the trigger to “USE-Y.”
The frosty moonlight on my stockpile of missles
Made me feel like a flower protected by thistles.
But then to my furious eyes did appear
An Apple iSleigh pulled by seven iReindeer.
With two Americans on the seat, so vogue and so wacko
I knew that it must be Rogen and Flacco!
Franco, I mean – (censored) that Obama,
And (censored) those iReindeer in their onesie pajamas!
“Now Liberty! Now Free Speech! Now Cojones and Tony!
On Art! On Expression! On Don’t You Touch SONY!
Kick in Kim’s windows! Break down his door!
And Tweet at him, Tweet at him, Tweet at him more!”
As heat-seeking projectiles lock on their mark,
As to blood in the water speeds a hammerhead shark,
So the iReindeer to my bungalow flew,
With a sleigh of DVDs, and two Hollywood Jews!
And then, with an inkling, I heard my own doom
Rogen and Franco approaching my room.
As I cocked back my Uzi, ready to fire
Down came an onslaught of DVD fliers!
The sophomoric duo was robed all in white;
In their eyes blazed the torch of a fight for the right
To say what you want, in spite of the haters,
To make silly films about foreign dictators.
Their faces – how they acted! How thespian! How stoic!
Their souls were resplendent; their hearts were heroic!
In their arms they brandished so many The Interview movies
That my head and my Uzi began to feel woozy.
The snarls of Free Expression bore their Crest Whitestripped teeth,
And the movies – they sparkled beyond all belief.
The cover had the actors and missiles and rockets
The sight nearly blew my eyes from their sockets!
Millions of copies poured around me like quicksand,
And I cried when I saw them, beyond my wit’s end!
Four unblinking eyes, two First Amendment heads
Told me and my Uzi we had much to dread.
They spoke not a syllable, but set straight to it
And covered my whole house in movie posters and (censored).
And raising their hands in tight fists of fury,
They put me on trial, my judges and jury,
The DVDs formed an impenetrable cell,
Encasing poor Jong-un in a Hollywood Hell!
And they shouted, as I watched them push “PLAY” and go,
“Happy Holidays, Kimmy! Now enjoy the show!”